


and it hurts like hell (to be thrown around)

by sxldato



Category: Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Delirium, Fever, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Poisoning, Sickfic, Vomiting, bucky's concern level is so high he's like the epitome of a jewish mother, hydra is a big bag of dicks, i finally wrote a thing about steve god bless, probably??? idk, slam dunk this into the garbage, steve's guilty about a lot of things that aren't his fault
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-14
Updated: 2015-01-14
Packaged: 2018-03-07 12:29:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3173782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sxldato/pseuds/sxldato
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the midst of a fight, a rogue HYDRA agent poisons Steve. Because of the serum, it doesn't affect Steve nearly as much as HYDRA had intended. But it <em>does</em> have some effects...</p>
            </blockquote>





	and it hurts like hell (to be thrown around)

**Author's Note:**

> I FINALLY WROTE A THING ABOUT STEVE.  
> is this trash??? is it tasteless garbage??? nobody knows and at this hour i am really lacking the mental capacity to give a shit  
> when i wrote this i realized how important steve is to me when he's fragile and helpless like. my precious sunflower child come here let me cuddle you and wrap you in blankets oh my god  
> AND PROTECTIVE BUCKY??? IS JUST??? I'M. /wheezes/  
> unbeta'd for the moment. i'll go back through it soon and correct any mistakes  
> title is from Torn Apart by Bastille

“Steve! Steve, are you alright?”

By now, this exchange was routine. After any mission where Bucky was split from Steve, they would reconvene as soon as possible. Bucky would fretfully check him for wounds, and Steve would let him because it made Bucky feel better. It was sweet, in a way; Bucky still wasn’t quite sure who he was or who he used to be, but there were things that got him reverting back to how he was before. It was a relief for Steve to be able to close his eyes and pretend nothing had changed, just for a few minutes.

Most of the time, Steve could make it out with just a few scrapes, maybe a couple bruised knuckles and a cracked rib or two, but he was generally okay. Today, though… today something weird had happened.

“I think someone poked me in the neck,” Steve said, rubbing the spot where he could have sworn a needle had embedded itself in his skin.

Bucky had been inspecting his abdomen, feeling for any gashes, but at those words his head snapped back up, alarm flashing through his eyes. “Who was it? Was it HYDRA?”

“Bruce smashed him before I could get a good look,” Steve answered, shrugging a little. “If they were trying to poison me, they didn’t do a good job—whoever it was. I feel fine.”

Bucky ran his fingers over Steve’s neck. “No inflammation… not even a sign of a puncture...” He shook his head. “This feels wrong. This could be really, really bad, Steve. And I don’t want us thinking it’s nothing and then it suddenly blowing up in our faces—“

Steve caught Bucky’s hands in his own. “Slow down, alright? Everything’s gonna be okay.”

Bucky’s hands shook. “I don’t… I don’t want them getting to you, too.”

“We don’t even know if it was HYDRA.”

“Cut the crap, I _know_ it was them. I can _smell_ them on you, I _know_ they did it.” Bucky’s eyes were wild with fear. “And I swear to god if they take you from me, I’ll rip them all apart with my bare hands, I swear to _fucking_ god--”

“Bucky,” Steve said, careful to be loud and firm but not angry. Bucky looked at him, and a little control drifted back into his expression. He still seemed distraught, but it was thinned out, more containable. His shoulders went slack, and the color of his eyes faded out into their normal, dull blue.

“You’ll tell me if you start feeling weird,” Bucky said, phrasing it as more of a command than a question. “Even if you think it’s nothing, even if it’s just one of your toes. You’ll tell me right away, and we’ll _fix_ it.”

Steve nodded. “Yeah, of course. Are _you_ okay?”

Bucky took a few deep breaths before answering. “I won’t let them take you from me. I won’t. They’ll have to kill me first, and they made me indestructible.” He turned away, still keeping one of his hands interlocked with Steve’s. “I wanna go home now. I’ve had enough of this world’s bullshit for one day.”

            -

Steve wanted to believe he’d imagined the gurgling noise coming from his stomach, but judging by the look on Bucky’s face, he’d heard it, too. He’d come out of the shower in clean clothes, rubbing a towel through his damp hair, looking wary and suspicious.

“… What was that?”

He didn’t want to worry Bucky about something that was probably nothing. “I don’t know.”

Bucky looked like he was ready to smack Steve upside the head. “Like hell you don’t. What _was_ that?”

“I’d like to point out that if I _had_ been poisoned—and poisoned _correctly_ \-- I would be dead by now, so—“

Bucky let the towel fall to the floor with a dull thud. He was clearly not in the mood to deal with any excuses. “Don’t be clever with me, Steve.”

Steve sighed, shifting a little on the couch before resigning to the truth. “I feel sort of… off.”

Bucky went pale. “We need to call Banner.”

“No, we don’t—“

“What if you’re dying?”

“I think I would know if I was dying.”

“Not with HYDRA, you wouldn’t,” Bucky protested. His whole body was quaking where he stood. “You don’t know the kinds of things they do. They’re sneaky, they creep up on you and you don’t realize it until it’s too late.”

“Bucky…” Steve got to his feet slowly. Bucky could be easily frightened when he got like this, and Steve didn’t want to scare him off. “You need to breathe.”

“I’m _fine_ ,” Bucky said. “It’s _you_ we need to be worried about. Look at you, Jesus Christ, you’re shaking like a leaf.”

“What? No, you’re…“ But when Steve extended his hand, he saw that his fingers were trembling. Was he being wracked which such intense tremors that it had made it seem like Bucky was the one shaking? Or was he just becoming delirious? “This isn’t good.”

His knees gave out underneath him and Bucky was at his side in an instant, holding him up. “I’m taking you to Banner,” Bucky said. “Right now.”

“No, no, we’re not bothering him with this.” Steve struggled out of Bucky’s grip, stumbling back. He was starting to get dizzy. “Think rationally, Bucky. Poison works pretty fast. At this point, it can’t be doing more than just passing through my system. I’m _not_ dying.”

Bucky’s jaw clenched, but he relented. “You better pray that you’re right.”

With the argument over, Steve let himself fall back onto the couch and rubbed his eyes with the heels of his palms. “The room… it’s spinning really fast.”

“You’re freaking me out, Steve.”

“I’ll be okay, I’m just not feeling great…” His throat felt tight and his stomach was starting to churn. “It’ll pass.”

Bucky sat down next to him and put his flesh hand to Steve’s forehead. “You’re burning up. Your body’s trying to kill whatever they put in you.”

“See? That’s good. We’re good. Everything’s fine.”

“Except you don’t feel well,” Bucky pointed out. “And the fact that your body’s trying to kill the poison means that it’s still there.”

Steve’s cheeks had started to grow flushed, but the rest of his face was worryingly pallid. “You think…” He swallowed loud enough that Bucky could hear his throat click. “You think it’ll go away if I puke?”

“It’s in your bloodstream, not your digestive tract—wait, do you need to throw up?”

“Maybe… Nothing’s making sense.”

Bucky hauled him to his feet and guided him to the bathroom. It was still humid from the shower he’d taken, and the mirror was clouded with condensation. He gently guided Steve to his knees in front of the toilet and flipped up the seat. “The second I see blood, I’m taking you to a fucking hospital, no matter what you say.”

Steve nodded, but he didn’t completely register the words. His brain was all fuzz and static, and there was a strange ringing in his ears that faded when he tried to listen to it. “Bucky…” He groaned, resting his head against the porcelain. It felt nice and cold against his fevered skin.

Bucky smoothed back Steve’s hair with one hand, rubbing Steve’s spine with the other. His hair kept catching in the grooves of Bucky’s metal fingers, but it didn’t hurt. “What do you need?” He asked, concern heavy in his voice.

Steve folded one of his arms over the toilet, resting his head in the crook of his elbow. He used the other to wrap around his stomach. “Stay here with me,” he said. “Keep doing what you’re doing… feels nice…”

He wanted nothing more than to crawl under a mound of blankets and sleep until this was over, but his stomach was protesting that idea with great zeal. He bowed his head to gag unproductively while nausea made his spine arch and his stomach constrict.

“It’s okay, I’m here,” Bucky murmured, moving his hand to support Steve’s forehead. “You’re gonna be okay.”

Steve made a sort of strangled noise and leaned further into Bucky’s hand as he retched. There wasn’t a lot to come up, but that just made it hurt more. He pressed on his stomach with his hand in hopes of aiding the process, but all it did was make him dry-heave.

“HYDRA’s terrible,” Steve panted. “If they wanted to do _this_ to _me_ …” He looked at Bucky, helpless and heartbroken. “I can’t imagine what they must have done to you. I’m sorry, Bucky, I’m so sorry…”

“It’s not your fault,” Bucky insisted. “None of it was your fault.”

“But I should’ve caught you, should’ve been able to grab your hand…” Steve cut himself off, turning back to the toilet bowl to gag, finally succeeding in bringing up something more substantial than bile and saliva. He coughed and spluttered, holding onto the rim of the bowl for dear life, before it began to die down. After he stopped gagging every few seconds, he pulled the lever to flush away the mess. He leaned back and rested against the side of the bathtub, feverish and exhausted.

“You think you’re done?” Bucky asked. There were tears rimming Steve’s lower lashes, and Bucky wiped them away with his thumbs.

“I could’ve gone after you,” Steve whispered, his lower lip trembling. “I could’ve jumped off that train and caught you, could’ve blocked the impact of the fall. You could’ve gone home to Rebecca—“

“Steve, don’t,” Bucky pleaded. Steve was too out of it to hear the break in his voice. “Don’t talk about her right now.”

That registered in his head; he’d make Bucky upset. Why did that always happen? Why did he always screw things up?

The chills running through his body were making him feel woozy, and the fever was amplifying everything while still keeping it all in a blur. He was sick, upset, and confused, and he didn’t know how to fix that.

“I’m sorry,” he choked. His eyes stung with the threat of more tears, and he sucked in a shaky breath to try and keep himself under control. It didn’t work. “I’m sorry this happened to you, I’m sorry I didn’t stop it, I’m sorry you were hurt so bad—“ He broke off into a sob and pulled his legs close to his chest, putting his head between his knees as he wept.

Steve was a large man. But right now, curled up on the bathroom floor and crying harder than he had in a very long time, he looked so small and fragile, like he was trying to become the way he used to be.

Bucky scooted closer to him until they were side by side against the bathtub. “Steve,” he said softly. “Steve, look at me.”

Steve lifted his head, revealing watery, red-rimmed eyes.

“I don’t blame you. I never will. I’m not saying I’m glad it happened—I’d kill to be able to be who I was before—but I _am_ glad I’m here now, with you, in a world where we can be safe and happy, and keep other people safe and happy.” He reached out, touching Steve’s cheek with his palm. “And I’m so fucking thankful that I got another shot at a life with you.”

Steve put his head on Bucky’s shoulder and cried, and Bucky tried to contain Steve’s tremors by holding him close.

“You’re okay, Steve,” he said. “We’re both okay. Just keep breathing, in and out. I’ve got you, you’re safe here…”

Once Steve calmed down, he sat in the shower and let cold water soak through him all the way to his bones while Bucky sat on the other side of the glass. Bucky explained that it would help break the fever, so Steve complied, even though it felt all too similar to the freezing cold water that had encompassed him for seventy years. He didn’t say anything about that, though. He knew it would make Bucky upset, and he was trying not to do that anymore.

The delirium was still making everything difficult, but things got a little easier after the fever broke—however, he couldn’t stop sweating, and he needed to be reassured that Bucky was still there every five minutes.

There was also a brief, horrifying moment in the middle of the night; he woke up to a tightened chest, barely able to breathe. But Bucky was there with him, one hand on his chest and the other on his back, teaching him how to breathe again, guiding him through the pain. It wasn’t an asthma attack—Steve couldn’t get those—but it felt like one. The only comfort was that Bucky seemed to know exactly what he was doing, like he’d done this a thousand times.

Even in his haze of confusion, Steve remembered that Bucky _had_ done this a thousand times.

“Inhale for two, exhale for two,” he instructed quietly, pressing kisses to Steve’s forehead all the while. “Follow my lead, yeah? C’mon, you can do it, you’re gonna pull through this, I swear. Just you and me, Stevie, I'm right here, I'll always be here…”

           -

The next morning Steve woke with a clear mind, although the events of last night were still muddled in his brain. He was pleasantly warm, and he thought maybe it was the extensive amount of blankets piled on top of him, but then he realized that Bucky was pressed up against his back, folded around him like a cocoon.

“Hey, Buck,” Steve croaked.

Bucky responded with a kiss to Steve’s shoulder, and Steve smiled sleepily before slipping back into a much-needed rest.

**Author's Note:**

> The girl Steve mentions, Rebecca, is Bucky's little sister. She's not mentioned in the movies, but it's canon in the comics, and this fic is pretty vague about whether it's MCU or the comic verse, and I also just really didn't give a shit about whether it made sense to include her or not. So I included her.  
> If you want to make yourself cry a lot then you should read The Life Story of Bucky Barnes because the beginning and end involves her a LOT and it's really sad and it's also amazing like the art is wonderful and I'm gonna stop now alright hope you enjoyed the fic see ya later


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